acts.1.eight

today marks one year. while the bomb didn’t drop on this date, you could say that this was the day that the fuse was lit. there is a dull ache on days like this. right above my stomach and below my heart. i can feel it radiating out and like the rays of the sun, only it’s not a warm feeling. feels more like empty than anything else.

“thought i was a good man and fell short of my standards. now what am i left with? all or nothing? and my first taste of freedom.”

i am grateful for today though. there are very few ‘firsts’ that are left for me to endure. i’ve been through the first chapter camp, the first start of the school year, the first fall retreat, the first urbana, the first breakaway…. now i am hitting the first aniversaries. soon it will all be past and i will go through the cycles again. and with each subsequent time through the rotation things will get easier and the sting will be lessened.

“i know weeping is cast for the night, but joy comes in the morning.”

there is a new set of firsts. that i will look forward to. and while i may not be present for all of them, they are full of hope and excitement. first words, first teeth, first steps…

if you will, allow me to remain melancholic for another paragraph… i know all the rhetoric regarding babies being blessings, and God not making mistakes. but i still can’t help that i have been hurt through a lot of this. i still can’t help but be upset with myself for not making better decisions. i knew better and yet i walked right into it. a year ago i was nearing the end of my full time job, stepping out into full time ministry. a year ago i was preparing to leave for new staff training. a year ago i was living out my dream job, on my dream campus. now i enter into what will surely be some of the most difficult days as i try to acclimate myself to every other weekend. i must hope that those two short days every two weeks will be motivation enough to get me through the grind of the remainder. the fallout has been tremendous and i know there is a lot of healing that still needs to take place. in me, in the iv chapters, and in other individuals. please know, i don’t associate any of these negative with gunnar, he is awesome. it just hurts to not be where i thought i’d be.

“if i fall down
if i fail you
when i fall down
when i fail you
i hope to find you there
i hope to find you there
i know i’ll find you there
i’ve always found you there”

some sign of life among the coals
i was able to spend some time with an old friend today. it was good to catch up and get a glimpse back into his life. he had been across the sea for some time now and it is good to have him back. we share similar visions for the church and for christianity, although, i believe he is likely more well-read and can easily crush me in terms of sheer knowledge of the subject. but our passions, nonetheless, are the same. we want to see the gospel lived out and the church to be reborn. we want people to know the Jesus that we have encountered and that we do our best to follow. i am excited to speak more with him. and as he said before we parted, to continue to scratch those things that are below the surface. i needed that conversation today and i am grateful for it.