acts.1.eight

the days right after gunnar comes to visit are tough.  as ben and i drove home from spicer on sunday night, i told him about how i always experience a “gunnar hangover”.  the weekends i have with my son are good.  they are intense.  and they are short.  i tend to be physically and emotionally worn down by sunday night.  all well worth it.  but grueling nonetheless.  i think that it is like being a runner.  who doesn’t run often.  but when they do run, they run a long distance.  with little or no training.

inevitably, i get home from dropping gunnar off and i experience a let down.  i pack up his stuff for another two weeks and get ready to get back to my regular life.  as i explained to ben, there seems to be a certain level of loneliness that naturally comes with being a 26 year old single person.  when i come back to normalcy after a weekend with gunnar, that loneliness is even more pronounced.  for 48 hours, there is this intense connection, this intense meaning, this intense connection.   when i get home on sunday night, there is intense silence.  generally, the hungover feeling lasts through work on monday until i get home that night.  i do my best not to be alone that night, to spend time with friends.  and generally by tuesday morning, i am ok and i get back into my rountine.

this week is different.  probably because of the short turn around.  i’ll be seeing gunnar again this weekend.  we’re going to a family reunion together.  so i think my anticipation for seeing him again has caused the hangover to extend into the week.

i haven’t been in the mood to write lately.  i have had a lot on my mind, but never much desire to put it down.

two major, at least major in my opinion, things have happened recently.  with a third on the horizon. 

first off.  i took my earrings out.  i was stretched up to 0 gauge.  they have been out for about 10 days now.  you can still see the holes quite well, but you can’t see through the holes anymore.  i just felt like it was something i should do to help me find a different job.  eventually, i could put something back in.  but it’s unlikely that i’ll ever go that big again. 

secondly.  i sold my truck.  i have been very passively trying to sell it for about a month.  the reality is i just kept hoping that something would happen that would allow me to keep it.  that miracle never came.  instead a man called last friday to come and look at it.  he brought cash.  enough cash for me not to say no.  it was less than the price i had wanted for it.  but when the money is right in front of you, it’s difficult not to sell.  i owned that truck for just over 7 years.  i put 91000 miles on it.  it went to washington, dc for a summer.  and saw places like bushnell, il.  virginia beach, va.  louisville, ky.  madison, wi.  it wasn’t the manliest of trucks.  but there is something to be said for a man and a truck.  a weird connection that i can’t understand. 

down golden roads that lead to nowhere
on monday night, a group of people helped “team lervik”, as ryan calls them, move in to their new house.  a handful of us stayed late and enjoyed their new fenced-in yard, where we were able to sit out and talk much later than we could in most apartment buildings.  we talked about happiness in life.  who we are at our ages, versus who our parents were when they were our ages.  it struck me as odd that we, the free-spirited, the artistic, the pseudo-rebelious, the forever-youngs, would sit and talk about our desires to settle down.  our desires to begin finding meaning in our careers.  our desires to have a purpose greater than our own selfishness.  to move past the live for the moment, temporary nature or our current states.  talk of going back to school.  talk of find better jobs.  talk of family.  and kids.  home improvement.  restoration projects parked in the garage.

i think we are growing up.  somewhat out of want.  somewhat out of necessity.  i would hardly say that any of us would look at where our lives have been with regret, but rather with a recognition that it’s time to start moving in different directions, with different motivations. 

most clearly i heard the desire in all of us to not be alone.  while we all have our independent streaks and our i can make it on my own attitudes.  none of us can get past the instinctive need to be with others.  we need our friends.  we need our families.  but you can also hear the heart cries for something bigger.   we need things outside ourselves to live for.  i have my friends.  i have my family.  i have gunnar.  and i have that something bigger in the form of Jesus.  it may not always be apparent.  but i am satisfied.  and life is good. 

i just need the occasional monday night to remind me.