acts.1.eight

in church yesterday, something was said that really stuck out to me. to paraphrase a bit: sometimes we focus on one door so much that we don’t see the other doors that are being opened for us. perhaps that is my problem. perhaps i am so convinced of what my life should look like, that i refuse to see the ways my life is headed towards what it really should be.

i feel as though i am constantly looking for the things that i can’t have. wanting to be where i can’t be. but what am i supposed to do? just settle for the way things are?

i look at job listings all the time. i see jobs that i feel like i would really enjoy. sometimes i apply for them. so far, i’ve got nothing. now with every new possibility that comes along i hesitate a little more. i question my ability or my worth. someone once said that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. in my case, i don’t get 100% of the jobs i don’t apply for. the pessimist in me says i don’t get 100% of the jobs i do apply for so what’s the difference?

i wish i could go back to school. i wish i could go back to intervarsity. maybe i could go back. i don’t know. maybe those times have escaped me.

** update 5.22.2007 **
i had a job interview this morning. i’m not sure how it went really. i just tried to be as honest as possible and not overly fake. i don’t mind selling myself, but i hate the idea of trying to make myself into something i’m not just for the sake of a job. if i am a good fit, so be it. if i am not, so be it.

i have been thinking a lot about what kind of job i would really like and it’s frustrating because i keep coming back to the same types of things. ministry and working with homeless/down-and-out types. but those types of jobs are hard to come by. considering my history, considering my lack of a relevant degree, considering my lack of relevant experience.