acts.1.eight

as much as i would love to write a big recap of my weekend, i’m not sure it would be of much benefit. i will say, it was a great weekend and i am glad so many of my family could be here to meet gunnar and celebrate with us.

i was speaking with a friend last week that has two children. she was asking about how the bonding was coming. then she asked me if i love him. it seemed like such a strange question to ask. but after this weekend i think it was completely legitimate. it’s not that i did not love him before this weekend. i just think the more time i spend with him, the greater i understand what it means to love him. and i think it becomes all the more real when i have to leave him behind. i get small tastes of fatherhood and family. i know now how my mom feels whenever me or my siblings come to visit.

i am a big sports fan. i have always loved to watch sports of all kinds. quite a bit of my early reading experience came from the sports pages of the minot newspaper which we received at the cafe my parents owned. when i have had cable, my favorite channels were always espn/espn 2/espn news, etc. most recently, i have gotten into sports talk radio so even without cable i get plenty of info on sports.

so here’s a trend i am noticing… sports news is turning into tabloids. everytime i tune in, or go to cnnsi.com or espn.com, i find news regarding the off-the-field exploits of players and coaches. not that these things aren’t important to report, because they impact the games that we follow. it just seems as though it’s getting to be overkill. it seems as though the majority of the talk i hear on the radio centers around mike vick’s dog fighting, the cincinnati bengals, or barry bonds/jason giambi/floyd landis doping allegations.

i think a major part of the problem is that sports media coverage has exploded over the past two decades or so. i can remember when there was only one espn channel. now there are multiple full-time sports channels, multiple radio outlets, multiple websites, all covering the same things. media is big business and the competition is growing. they all need to crack the next big story or expose the next big scandal.

even beyond the negative stuff, they seem to overkill every angle possible about the games. just last week chicago and detroit were playing in the eastern conference semi-finals, chicago had fallen behind 3 games to 0 and then managed to win 2 straight. it was a fascinating series to start watching at that point, i can agree with that, but chicago still would have needed to win 2 more games before being the first team to come back from 3-0 down in 7-game nba playoff series. both espn and sports illustrated killed this series by talking about the possibility of chicago coming back to win. it was the lead story on both sites. there were multiple writers weighing in and sports illustrated ran a photo album depicting the 10 greatest comebacks in nba playoff history. my major problem with this, as i stated already, chicago needed to win 2 more games! they hadn’t even tied the series yet and all the talk centered around the possibility of the greatest comeback in league history. not surprisingly, chicago lost game 6 and the series ended.

on the radio, there are a wealth of callers who start their statments with some variation of the following: “the problem with the media is…” and while i often agree with the points they make about the media, let me just say this: the problem with the media is not the media. they are simply doing their jobs. the problem with the media is that we keep listening. we keep buying. we keep tuning in. we don’t seem to care that sports news has gone further away from talking about sports and more about talking about scandal and rumor and hyperbole. i refuse to believe that the humans who are participating in sports are less moral or worse in character now than they have been in the past. we just get to see it magnified on a much different scale.

chances are, i’ll keep listening to the radio and i’ll keep reading the wesites, it would just be nice to hear and read about the actual sports from time to time.

i have always been a bit of a jerk. or at least shown flashes of being such. i have a tendency to pick on other people, including my friends. i’m sure there is some deep explanation that includes a lack of self-esteem or something. but i think what it comes down to is a case of not thinking before i say something.

last night was a prime example of this.

i said something to a friend that was hurtful. thinking it would be funny. and it wasn’t.

i’m afraid that apologies don’t always do justice when we hurt our friends. yes, of course i will apologize. i feel terrible that i hurt her. but i think at times we think apologies should mean we are off the hook and free of any consequence. i don’t think that is very fair. she has to deal with the sting of what i said and i get to walk away comfortably because i said “i’m sorry”?

rather i think apologies should be springboards for change. i don’t need to poke fun at my friends like i do. i should recognize the fact that i can hurt someone with my words. i need to use my words to build up and encourage those whom i claim to love so much.

in church yesterday, something was said that really stuck out to me. to paraphrase a bit: sometimes we focus on one door so much that we don’t see the other doors that are being opened for us. perhaps that is my problem. perhaps i am so convinced of what my life should look like, that i refuse to see the ways my life is headed towards what it really should be.

i feel as though i am constantly looking for the things that i can’t have. wanting to be where i can’t be. but what am i supposed to do? just settle for the way things are?

i look at job listings all the time. i see jobs that i feel like i would really enjoy. sometimes i apply for them. so far, i’ve got nothing. now with every new possibility that comes along i hesitate a little more. i question my ability or my worth. someone once said that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. in my case, i don’t get 100% of the jobs i don’t apply for. the pessimist in me says i don’t get 100% of the jobs i do apply for so what’s the difference?

i wish i could go back to school. i wish i could go back to intervarsity. maybe i could go back. i don’t know. maybe those times have escaped me.

** update 5.22.2007 **
i had a job interview this morning. i’m not sure how it went really. i just tried to be as honest as possible and not overly fake. i don’t mind selling myself, but i hate the idea of trying to make myself into something i’m not just for the sake of a job. if i am a good fit, so be it. if i am not, so be it.

i have been thinking a lot about what kind of job i would really like and it’s frustrating because i keep coming back to the same types of things. ministry and working with homeless/down-and-out types. but those types of jobs are hard to come by. considering my history, considering my lack of a relevant degree, considering my lack of relevant experience.

jason stewart told me that he thinks it is funny. that saturday as we stood outside. i leaned against the passenger door of my truck and he sat on the grass on the boulevard. i was not satisfied with his statement. it was not funny. nothing about that week and been funny, really. time would probably help me look back on it all and perhaps i could smile and even laugh. for now though, i needed further explanation.

“it’s funny that she said no.”
“that’s still not funny. explain further.”
“it’s funny that not many girls have said no to you.
there are girls that want to be with you.
but the girl you want to be with said no.
that’s funny.”

i still don’t think it is funny. ironic perhaps. frustrating, no doubt. for whatever reason the confusion stays and clarity still evades me. how is it that two people are ever attracted to each other at the same time. under circumstances that are favorable enough that they can make a commitment to be with one another for an extended period of time. or even a lifetime. do i hang around and wait for possibilities that may not exist? sayward said that i need to take risks and be vulnerable and live without knowing once in awhile. i don’t know how that works.