acts.1.eight

for those that care. i did not receive anything in the mail today. i drove home on my lunch break to check and all that was there was a magazine for ryan. the waiting game will continue.

this weekend looks promising. hanging out with lindsey tonight. porn and pancakes in the morning. nfl draft all weekend. emily’s spring dance show on saturday night. baby dedication in grand forks on sunday. social distortion on sunday night. also, marcus and dylan are in town all weekend.

of perfect numbing ordinary dreams
i feel like my faith is really being stretched right now because nothing is as i would want it to be. i feel like a child who asks his parents for a new pair of jeans for his birthday and when the day comes and he opens his gift he finds a pair of hand-me-down jeans that his older brother used to wear. yes, in general, it is what he has been asking for, but specifically it’s no where near what he had his heart set on. i feel very mediocre. very second hand. like i am last in line for blessings and so i just get whatever is left. so i guess there is a real sense of tension between Jesus and i right now as i try to figure out what the hell it is that i am supposed to be learning or how i am supposed to be growing right now. i guess i always had really big ideas of what my life would look like and be like and none of those ideas have produced and i am not doing a very good job of finding hope or satisfaction in that. but i guess this is what faith is. i suppose it would be easy to love Him and follow Him if everything was turning out exactly how i wanted it to. or maybe i am wrong. maybe if everything was how i wanted it, i would not realize my dependence on Him.

if you feel like it, send up a pray up on my behalf. i’m struggling right now and i really feel like everything is working against me. i need to be patient. i need to trust. i need to be obedient. i know that things will happen in time, it’s just hard to be in limbo. it’s hard to feel like so much is out of my hands.

long week. time seems to drag on when you are waiting for something. so far, that something seems to be taking its time getting here. the longer this week drags out, the farther away next week seems and next week holds some exciting times. i am planning to to go to minneapolis for the weekend to attend an event my friend mark van s is putting on.

speaking of mark, i have made simple requests in the past that people consider supporting he and his wife amy and their ministry to the west bank neighborhood in minneapolis. they live very simply and very generously on a modest (at best) income, but due to some unexpected expenses recently, they are struggling to maintain. ideally, mark needs to see his support go up no less than $700 per month for them to get by. if you have ever thought about supporting a missionary, or a ministry above and beyond the tithe you already give to your church, or perhaps you aren’t part of a church and would like to find a place to give your tithe… please consider giving something to mark each month. click here if you would like to give a one time gift, or click here to set up a monthly eft donation. if you want more information about mark and his ministry, ask me or visit missio-dei or jesus manifesto.

(the following was written over two nights in my hand-written journal)

i had one simple goal in mind tonight. one small question to ask. waiting for the chance, waiting just for her to arrive. it was like torture. and the nerves got more tense and the anxiety increased. where in the room should we sit? when do i ask? what words do i use? then a decision. to ask on the walk home. to ask at the end of our time. eventually we scaled the stairs and said our goodnights to the others. but there would be no walk and there would be no ask. there by the curb her car waited to carry her home. an offer for a ride was refused and thus the white flag was waved. and fear once again claimed me as a victim. tuesday. april 24 1:45 am.

perhaps there are times when fear is right. perhaps there are times when the safe play is also the smart play. perhaps i was right in not saying anything. cause at this point saying something feels wrong. and soon the sting of a declined invitation will wear off. and the awkwardness will be temporary. and friendship will resume normalcy. but for tonight at least the wound is fresh and the loneliness magnified. and the realization that i am not who i want to be will overwhelm. and i will again look to Christ for hope. and i will apologize for seeking to find my worth outside of Him. thankfully His timing is always right and His approval is always pure and His love is always unconditional. someday soon i will learn to be satisfied by Him and through Him. then i will truly be free to love another. for tonight i will hurt and i will question why. but joy comes with the morning. wednesday. april 25. 1:20 am.

i have a lot on my mind, but not a lot of time. so here are some quick hit thoughts….
- sat on a discussion panel on friday evening at msum. it was a nice return to campus for me, although it also left me hurting. i know that i am gifted in the area of connecting with college students and i know that it is where i want to be. i just don’t know that i can, or ever will go back to it.
- gunnar came to visit friday night. he’s a great kid. although colic and a sinus infection have him a little fussy. another piece of the puzzle should be clear before the end of this week.
- porn and pancakes was good on saturday morning. we are starting to have some growing pains, which is natural in a group that sees as many as 18 guys show up. we come from a variety of backgrounds and a variety of current situations. that can lead and has led to a bit of tension at times and we experienced what i would call our first conflict yesterday. as subtle as it was, we will have to deal with it next week. pray for us as the enemy would love to see this group destroyed.
- how many times can i say how grateful i am for my community of friends? if you come here regularly, you had better get used to reading about it. friday night, last night, this afternoon… all good times with good friends.
- jason stewart and i tried to by a man some food last night but we were not allowed to bring him into the only eating establishment near downtown that is open past 11 pm. the man has a history of issues with that eating establishment so i don’t blame them for not letting us in. i do, however, feel terrible that in our attempt to be generous we were unable to do anything for him. i hope the company we gave him was enough. and i hope he found some where warm and dry to go after we left him.
- pastor kevin’s message was so good and timely for me this morning. he spoke out of nehemiah about discouragement and failure. i needed to hear a lot of it.
- when i was in seattle over christmas time, i bought two new pairs of jeans to replace the ones that got destroyed in my luggage. one is a pair of button fly. if they aren’t the first pair of button fly jeans i’ve owned, they will likely be the last. they confuse me when i try to close them up and i always feel like the are open. drives me crazy.
- since i’ve started having to dress up and look nice every day, i have noticed a strange phenomenon in regards to my personal hygiene. i will call it beardruff. that is, dandruff of the beard. when i have rocked the beard, i notice a far greater amount of flakes of dead skin on my shirts. i am sure it has always been presented during bearded stages, but i’ve never had to be this aware of my appearance before. has anyone else noticed their beardruff before? does anyone have any suggestions as to how to keep it under control? (and yes, i do wash my beard when i have one…)
- my boys from pittsburgh continue to hover towards the bottom of the national league central standings. they have gone 3 and 7 in their last ten and can’t seem to get themselves up to .500. let’s hope that they’ll start to win some home games soon too. 0-4 at home is no good at all.

a text received from my good friend, mark van s today: “yo dude. i long for your fuzzy embrace.”

brought a much needed smile to a very slow night at work.

and the soothing sounds of cut to the quick provide the sound track.