acts.1.eight

it happened. last night. welcome to the world, gunnar.

was having a hard time falling asleep last night. just had a lot on my mind. more than usual it seems. i wrote this:

“i’m starting to remember how i felt when the news first came to me. i remember thinking it couldn’t be true, that it wasn’t real. then realizing that my life had be sacrificed for a few short moments of pleasure. that my dreams had been destroyed and were giving way to a nightmare. i remember not being able to tell anyone. enduring days of covering up and hiding the truth: i am a fraud. my family group leader prayed for me near the end. i told her i was afraid. the world i was returning to would not be the world i had left. everything would be different. she had no clue what i was really talking about. each night was sleepless until exhaustion could take over. my roommate would ask if i was ok and all i could do is give him a handful of bs. leaving was the hardest. my desires were left behind in a conference room. my life slipped away as i trekked across six states in 30 hours. and it has never again resembled its old self. more tears, more hurt, less sleep. i am back there tonight as life will once again be deconstructed in the next week or so. and i know that i must trust in Him. and that He must be my source.”

i feel better today. my thoughts are settled and my soul is at peace. my mind and my heart are drifting towards other things. other possibilities.

future history of the broken hearted
the other thing that kept me up last night was a strange desire. a strange plan. one in which i would buy a van and live in it for a year or more to save on rent. i had it all figured out. keeping my gym membership would be the key to hot showers. i mapped out in my head all the different places i could park at night and how i would conceal myself so as not to be found sleeping in my van by the local authorities. not that much would be different than right now. i would just go home to a bed in a van instead of a bed in an apartment. winter could be tricky but i think i could make it. oh this heart of mine that desires risk and adventure. i won’t be living in a van anytime soon. or anytime ever probably. just the thoughts that kept me up.

my friend marcus was here this weekend. he always has something profound to say to me and i enjoy my times with him. i want to share something he told me this weekend, and while i’ll probably butcher it, i am more concerned with the general idea. he had remarked to me about how i am a good friend to many people and i simply replied with, “i try my best.” to this he responded by sharing with me a buddhist parable. again, i will probably butcher this, but it’s the essence that i think was important. so here is what i can recall of what he told me.

buddha has this counterpart named mara. mara is like the buddha’s opposite. so, mara was always questioning the buddha as to why he would put some much positive energy towards people, why would he care so much about the people around him? why does he love everyone like he does? so one day, mara shows up at the buddha’s joint and requests to see him. the monk at the door tells mara that buddha has no time for him and does not want to see him. but mara knows better and tells the monk that he knows the buddha will welcome him. so the monk realizes that mara is right and leads him in to see the buddha. of course, the buddha greets mara and invites him in. he asks what is the reason for mara’s visit and mara begins trying to convince buddha to trade places with him. he tries to convince him that he would like to be the buddha for a time. as mara carries on in this way, the buddha just laughs at him. he looks at his friend/nemesis and simply says, “do you think it is easy to be the buddha?”

so obviously, i’m not expert on buddhism. i had never even heard of mara before marcus told me this. there are probably vital pieces of info missing, but here’s the point that marcus was trying to make… being a friend, loving people, and putting energy into others are not easy things to do. they are draining and hard. and he is right. it’s not easy to love other people. and truthfully, i probably fail at least as often as i succeed. but i will continue to try. i love my friends. and no matter their struggles and no matter my inability to make a difference, i will continue to try. i am no enlightened being like the buddha. i am not divine like Jesus was. but i will always do my best to love my neighbor as i love myself.

my emotions are running wild right now. i am happy and frustrated at the same time. i am encouraged and discouraged in the same breath. breath in, breath out. encouraged, discouraged. how much longer can i sit and see the things in life that i want pass by? how much longer until i can pursue the desires of my heart? there are things that i want that sit in front of me, available. they are things that to me are, i do not want to say perfect, but almost. right. and i can see them and taste them and to some extent touch them. they are there. they are close. it’s like looking through the window of a store and seeing what you’ve always wanted. yet that glass barrier will never leave. i cannot even find the entrance to the store. and i am told to keep looking. i am told to just be patient. you will find the door when you are ready.

there is a fire that has begun to burn. the needed element for dealing with the fire is nearby. just break the glass. the alarm will sound. just break the glass. grab the fire extinguisher. just break the glass. in case of emergency.

the truth is that these desires are in my heart. and if they are not from God then He needs to remove them or at least help me realize they are not His. i am a hopeful pessimist bordering on cautious optimism. i would prefer to be less in the middle. less grey area.

so tonight i’ll dream and tomorrow i’ll day dream. i’ll hope and pray and wait. “mercy and life, and still i hope….”