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my emotions are running wild right now. i am happy and frustrated at the same time. i am encouraged and discouraged in the same breath. breath in, breath out. encouraged, discouraged. how much longer can i sit and see the things in life that i want pass by? how much longer until i can pursue the desires of my heart? there are things that i want that sit in front of me, available. they are things that to me are, i do not want to say perfect, but almost. right. and i can see them and taste them and to some extent touch them. they are there. they are close. it’s like looking through the window of a store and seeing what you’ve always wanted. yet that glass barrier will never leave. i cannot even find the entrance to the store. and i am told to keep looking. i am told to just be patient. you will find the door when you are ready.
there is a fire that has begun to burn. the needed element for dealing with the fire is nearby. just break the glass. the alarm will sound. just break the glass. grab the fire extinguisher. just break the glass. in case of emergency.
the truth is that these desires are in my heart. and if they are not from God then He needs to remove them or at least help me realize they are not His. i am a hopeful pessimist bordering on cautious optimism. i would prefer to be less in the middle. less grey area.
so tonight i’ll dream and tomorrow i’ll day dream. i’ll hope and pray and wait. “mercy and life, and still i hope….”
