acts.1.eight

obviously there has been something weighing heavy on mind and heavy on my spirit lately. i am worn out and tired. and yet my body is awake and restless.

this may seem a bit odd. but there are times. when the i am enjoying myself. and i feel the need for that time to come to an end. but only because i am concerned about using up all of the good times on one episode. as though good times are in limited supply. and you best not spend it all in one place. tonight was one of those nights.

why is it that i can be so comfortable speaking to someone when it is just the two of us, but be so unable to speak to that same person when we are in a group? is there an explanation for this phenomenon? it is not as though i am uncomfortable in groups. i just seem uncomfortable engaging individuals in group settings.

sleepless eyes open wide
at work today i was thinking about whether it is possible to fall in love over a distance. like if you can fall in love with someone that you do not see face to face very often. or perhaps you have never seen them face to face at all. i guess with the online dating world as it is, people allegedly do it all the time. they meet another person’s profile. then have conversations with each others typing ability. then they build an intimate connection with a voice. next thing you know they are getting married.

a friend of mine jokingly says that if she is still single at 27 she will try e-harmony.com. by her measure, i am just over 8 months away from the point of filling out my detailed personality profile and hoping that there are some quality matches in my area. while i do not want to offend those that believe in such methods… i think i will continue to struggle with the fears and apprehensions of trying to meet someone outside of the interweb before i settle on trying to find supaflygurl4u, who just happens to be an 86 percent match and live with in a 45 mile radius.

“We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition.” – rob gordon, high fidelity

if i had a lot of money. i would make cigars over coffee happen.

tomorrow.

do yourself a favor and read the letter to the editor by my good friend lindsey that appears in today’s fargo forum about the format change to her favorite radio station. i won’t miss this particular station, but it does get frustrating to have so many stations carrying country music. after you read the article, do yourself an additional favor and go purchase an xm radio. it’s not perfect, but it is far better than battling crappy local stations.

my thoughts last week frequently wandered to pine ridge. it marked one year from when we were there last year. i re-read a lot of the journal entries that i wrote while i was there and it made me sad. i wish i had been there again this year. i still think of that place often. i want to share a bit from what i wrote on the last day:

within the next hour we will leave pine ridge indian reservation. by tonight i will be back in my world, in my own comfort zone. i’ve been thinking about the questions people might ask me when i get back and how i should answer them. i don’t feel like any words will really convey what’s here. i can’t say i feel any sense of accomplishment. i’m not even sure i’ve changed. i still have many of the same things and people occupying my time as i did this time last week. although, this time last week seems to be an eternity away now. that’s the major difference right now. i feel as though i’ve been away from my life for far more than 8 days. i feel like i’ve aged in years, not just days. not matured though, just aged. i know that might sound strange, but like i said, good words are hard to come by to really tell the story of this week.

the last two nights after everything wound down, i walked to a convenience store called ‘big bats’ with the guys from und. honestly, i think the time spent there was second only to white clay in terms of reality. we sat around drinking sodas, eating junk, i sucked on cough drops, and a handful of cigarettes were smoked. but it was the people we met there and talked to that really mattered. we were greeted by many people, especially older men saying things like, “welcome white man. welcome to lakota country.” i was absolutely amazed by the kindness they showed and the way their dark and leathered skin seemed to soften as we talked and shook hands. … a man named wallace walked home with us on thursday night … he told me he doesn’t want to live to be an old man. it’s sad, but the truth is he probably won’t. i am interested to come back next year, this might sound awful, but i’m already wondering who will be dead when we get back.

this place needs the hope of Jesus Christ. this place needs more than just short-term missionary work. this place needs workers who are willing to live and die here. … i know i’ll be back; i can’t forget this place. i won’t forget this place. (8:41 am mst, march 18, 2006; pine ridge, sd)

i have especially been thinking about chuck white butterfly lately. if you have never heard me talk of him, ask me sometime. i’d love to tell you about my time there and the people. my heart breaks for that place….

a vial of hope and a vial of pain
jason stewart and justin and i had a sleep over about 10 days ago. i know. we’re too old for sleep overs or something… but we did it anyway. of course we talked about girls i mentioned to them that i want the following from my future girlfriend/wife.
- she must love Jesus above all else, me included (a no brainer)
- she will love the people around her with her whole heart; her friends, her family, her community.
- if she has any love left at the end of the day, she will want to share it with me.

you know that line in the theme song from the fresh prince of bel aire? you know that one that goes, “now this is the story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down”? that’s my theme this week. unfortunately, i can’t ask you to take a minute and sit right there. cause i didn’t become the prince of a town called bel aire.

i am very worn out. and it is only just beginning. we have graduated from one phase and we are in the thick of the next. of course, answers cannot come soon enough. so for the time we wait. and wonder. and struggle with what to do. i know that human life is a miracle and i cannot tell you how many times i have heard it said that God does not make mistakes. certainly, for that, i am grateful. because human life seems loaded with opportunities to make mistakes. what’s worse are the times when it seems no matter what you chose, it is wrong. catch 22. lose-lose. whatever you want to call it. my mind hurts. it is a different kind of headache. concentrated in the thought portion of my brain. makes working and writing difficult. difficult. my week in a word.

i thought i had found a great opportunity. only to have it fall apart on account of money. there are other opportunities elsewhere, but not like this one.

i’m burning up inside, for a piece of you
there are people in my life that i do not know what to do with. some of them are leaving and it is bittersweet. i am happy that they are making moves that are good for their lives, but sad that they are leaving. it is hard to know what to say to them because i want to encourage them in what they are doing. and yet i want to express to them my wish for them to stay/come back. i miss my friends that have left.

it’s frustrating when you can’t get someone off of your mind.