acts.1.eight

today. where do i even start? it has been a tough one. to be reminded of my position in life. to dwell on where i could have been. it is hard. tell me all you want that God has a plan for me. tell me all you want about this happening for a reason. i get that. that does not make it hurt less. do not quote romans 8:28 to me anymore. i understand. is my pain invalid? is my frustration not real? “blessed are those that mourn, for they will be comforted.” i know where my comfort comes from.

and then there is hope. and there is healing. and there is grace. and there is mercy. and there is forgiveness.
“pure as the white
and driven snow
mercy and life
and still i hope”*

to hear from old friends. to hear that they still believe in me. to have them search me out. to have them desire to see me. to know that we will move forward. together. even if together means we part ways. it is time to move.

after all it comes back down to this (warning: i am about to get emo)
i wish i had someone to come home to. i wish i had someone to ride the roller coaster of life with. someone to hold my hand. to have my back. fear and love at war again. i am afraid of repeating the mistakes. i am afraid of taking risks. i am afraid of being rejected. i am afraid of not being ready. patience. is. a. virtue. and i lack.

and every time i feel alone my true love calls out to me….
“Oh, I’ve been standing right here, all along.
My dear, I’ve been standing right here
Ever as before
Oh, I want nothing more than you
Stay please, come back to My arms and
Rest your weary head,
Don’t ever leave again,
Beloved.”*

*thanks to mark solomon of stavesacre for the beautiful words that i am not capable of writing myself. do yourself a favor and listen to their music.