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before i get on with this, i am surprised by the feedback i got to my previous post. i certainly appreciate it. it just struck me as a bit odd. no doubt i had a rough day yesterday and that came out in that post, but as i was writing it, i really felt as though it had a hopeful undertone. regardless, i am in better shape today and as i said this weekend, hope springs eternal.
she LIKED me. she liked ME. SHE liked me… at least i think she did.
i want to respond to one of the comments i received on my previous posts. i would normally just post a response as a comment, but i felt this one could get a little wordy. so instead i will subject everyone to it. here is the comment:
Heather has left a new comment on your post “loneliness is bliss”:
I say this, not to discount the fact that you are lonely, because that is a
very valid thing to be: however, I have never understood men who say they wish
they had someone to come home to, be with, share life with, etc, because from a
woman’s standpoint, men have all the power in that area. Sure, there are women
who ask guys out, but it rarely works out (from my own personal experience). So,
that said, you have the power to ask a girl out and change your position. Please
don’t think I’m on a vendetta for all single women out there, I’m actually
married, I’m just wondering if you realize the position of power that you have.
The other thing I’ve never really been able to grasp is the fact that men say
they are scared to ask girls out for fear of being rejected. Most girls are
dying to be asked out. Granted if you have body odor and no social skills, your
chances are minimal, however you don’t strike me as that type. Anyway, I really
am curious if you have any thoughts about what I’ve written. I know I’m just a
stranger out there in cyberspace…
i am going to break this down and respond to the pieces. first piece, “I have never understood men who say they wish they had someone to come home to, be with, share life with, etc, because from a woman’s standpoint, men have all the power in that area.” as a basic rule, i do not disagree with this. in fact, i want to be the one to initiate things when it comes to a relationship with a woman. call me archaic or chauvinistic, but i believe that men should hold a place of leadership in the relationship and i think this is established from the very initiation of the relationship (i could write a whole load of stuff on roles, but i do not want to get into that right now). i want and plan to be the one that makes the first move, so to speak. but really, that is not my great issue. more on my issues later.
second piece (this is actually the third piece, but i’m moving it up to #2), “The other thing I’ve never really been able to grasp is the fact that men say they are scared to ask girls out for fear of being rejected. Most girls are dying to be asked out. Granted if you have body odor and no social skills, your chances are minimal, however you don’t strike me as that type” thank you for the compliment. i am glad you have been able to recognize my personal grooming abilities through reading my blog…. ha ha. again, i see what you’re saying and i do not disagree. i do not want to come off as seeming cocky, but i am pretty sure i could have a girlfriend if i wanted one. but i think that i would be lying if i said i did not fear rejection (i stated so in my previous post). part of it comes from the fact that i think too much of the social pecking order, if you will, that exists in most social settings. you have people that are cool and attractive at the top of the order, and people that, as you stated, lack social skills and have body odor near the bottom. like it or not, there is a hierarchy. some people are attractive, others are not. being a very visual male, i tend to be initially drawn to those that are at the high end of attraction order. and even as i get to know their personalities, it is natural to be attracted to those that are most attractive. at times i have been able to have relationships with girls that i would say were out of my league. i have been able to move up a class or two in the order of things (i mean this both physically and personality wise). now i still tend to be attracted to high end women, but my esteem tends to tell me that i fall moreso at the mediocre level of men. this has me fearing that i am attracted to women who are out of my league, and therein lies the fear of rejection. i do not think that i am good enough. granted, this rediculous need for catagorizing and classifying individuals is stupid and offensive and probably makes me sound like a jerk. what i’m trying to say is this, girls may be dying to be asked out, but maybe they are dying to be asked out by someone else and not me. fear is a killer. even once i have gotten past the point of initiation and have received confirmation of mutual attraction, i am always afraid that she will eventually realize that she could do so much better. i am afraid of being exposed as mediocre. and why would they settle for mediocre when they could have above average, good, or even great?
third piece, “that said, you have the power to ask a girl out and change your position.” again, much like the first piece, i agree with you. if i really want to be in a relationship, i could ask a girl out and change that position. but this brings about a whole different set of fears and questions for me. i have made mistakes in the past in terms of my relationships with women. i have probably let some really great ones get away and i know i have gotten in to some bad situations with girls because i forced the issue. i want to make sure that i am listening to God (something i am not always good at) and i want to make sure i take my time and chose the right one. i go around in circles all the time thinking, “i have to be ready… but is anybody ever really ready?” or “i have to wait to hear from God… but what if God is simply telling me to make a choice and trust Him in it? what if i do not hear Him at all?” i apply these same circular arguments to other things, not just girls. my point is, i may have the power, but i am not sure it is the right time to exercise that power and i have no idea at this point how to know when to exercise that power.
all that said, i agree with the general ideas in your comment. but on an individual level, on a personal level, i am not sure it’s that simple. i am insecure and fearful when it comes to relationships right now. not so much about my ability to secure one, but moreso about my ability to maintain a healthy, God-honoring one. i am certainly a work in progress and i know that the Holy Spirit is giving my heart an overhaul right now. i wish i could just rest on that and be satisfied, but i am not more often than i am. so from time to time, i will probably feel sorry for myself and write about how i wish i could find someone or about how i am jealous of my coupled friends. so bear with me. everything is going to be cool.
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today. where do i even start? it has been a tough one. to be reminded of my position in life. to dwell on where i could have been. it is hard. tell me all you want that God has a plan for me. tell me all you want about this happening for a reason. i get that. that does not make it hurt less. do not quote romans 8:28 to me anymore. i understand. is my pain invalid? is my frustration not real? “blessed are those that mourn, for they will be comforted.” i know where my comfort comes from.
and then there is hope. and there is healing. and there is grace. and there is mercy. and there is forgiveness.
“pure as the white
and driven snow
mercy and life
and still i hope”*
to hear from old friends. to hear that they still believe in me. to have them search me out. to have them desire to see me. to know that we will move forward. together. even if together means we part ways. it is time to move.
after all it comes back down to this (warning: i am about to get emo)
i wish i had someone to come home to. i wish i had someone to ride the roller coaster of life with. someone to hold my hand. to have my back. fear and love at war again. i am afraid of repeating the mistakes. i am afraid of taking risks. i am afraid of being rejected. i am afraid of not being ready. patience. is. a. virtue. and i lack.
and every time i feel alone my true love calls out to me….
“Oh, I’ve been standing right here, all along.
My dear, I’ve been standing right here
Ever as before
Oh, I want nothing more than you
Stay please, come back to My arms and
Rest your weary head,
Don’t ever leave again,
Beloved.”*
*thanks to mark solomon of stavesacre for the beautiful words that i am not capable of writing myself. do yourself a favor and listen to their music.
