acts.1.eight

from where i stand it looks as though i’m having one of the most emotionally bi-polar weeks ever. it seems like for every high moment of acceptance, there is an equally low moment of rejection. for every high moment of peace, a low moment of turmoil. for every high moment of hope, a low moment of dispair. i am drained. on a tuesday. moreso than normal. this week will only give way to another week. of highs. and lows. i am in love with living. but i would love a moment outside of life. not death. sleep perhaps. a retreat. an escape. a refuge.

she realized something. it never really can happen.

and she realized something. that what i have asked is too much.

and i realized something. my Help comes from Above.

if i wait until i am capable. or until i feel capable. or until someone else tells me that, by their standards, i am capable. nothing will ever get done. it is true that i am not whole. it is true that i am not righteous. or holy. or pure. but i serve the One who has made all things. and He speaks to the Father on my defense. it is His work that makes me innocent. mine is like filthy rags. if i do not act soon. if i do not act now. i will not act. i will waste away in the world of buying and selling.

go and be. not come and see.

a new day brings rest.

thanksgiving. this is probably my favorite of the major holidays (aside from the fact that it truly kicks off the christmas season which is another topic altogether). this year was another confirmation of why i love it so much. it was my first thanksgiving without any family, in the blood sense, and so it was rather strange. yet satisfying. emotionally conflicting. yet emotionally fulfilling. strange nonetheless. i hosted a meal in my home. we had much food… much good food. eight people total. not to downplay the others who made it, but marcus lund came on a bus from winnepeg to fargo to be with us. that made my holiday even greater. i am thankful for many things. and, as mark van s would say i am also angst-ful for many things. i do not think lists are necessary. you can ask me if you care.

i just love community. i love being with people and sharing my life with them and joining in their lives. i want to live communally. i want to learn to live a life that is consumed by love for other people. i. i. i. there are gatherings in the future of like minded people who will revolt against what is unjust and they will be radically driven by love. go and be not come and see. a gathering of the called out ones.

what do you want? from me? for you?

life never stands still for me. i do not know why i stand still for life. i want to keep moving and growing and going.

now i’m
looking for a reason
roaming through the night
to find
my place in this world
my place in this world

sometimes i fall for a voice. and she who holds the voice is irrelevant. i may never see her or know her. in the end i will move on and fall for someone with flesh and blood and someone with a personality, a persona. and the voice she holds is less than important.

so what’s next for me in life? i don’t really know other than the whole being a father thing. i think i mentioned grad school before. i have a couple of applications to begin working on. no need to rush really.

i have been told that i will be a pioneer or a builder or an architect. but not in the way that you might think. i think that i will be starting something new in the near future. there is a meeting of some of the necessary minds taking place on thanksgiving. relationships and ideas exist that i believe are pushing me in a direction. i just do not want to get too far ahead of myself. i need to be patient and listen. to my heart. to the wise ones in my life. and to the Spirit.

work is fake at the wal-mart of higher education.

something i read on a crust where love is ….

“And for sleepers, here’s a translation of a poem by Peguy, to be found at the excellent http://www.christianvisionproject.com/:

I don’t like the man who doesn’t sleep,
says God.
Sleep is the friend of man,
Sleep is the friend of God.
Sleep is perhaps the most beautiful thing
I have created.
And I myself rested on the seventh day. …
But they tell me that there are men
Who work well and sleep badly.
Who don’t sleep.
What a lack of
confidence in me. “

i had never thought of sleep in these terms. as a lack of confidence in God. although i can certainly see that. we were designed to rest at times. my attitude has often been one of, “if i sleep, when will i get [insert task] done.” or “if i sleep, i will miss out on [insert event].” perhaps i would work more efficiently and enjoy my social life more deeply if i was well rested. perhaps. perhaps. perhaps.

today has been a day that i’d just as soon forget. add it to the last week or so of days i would just as soon forget. nothing major happened today. just small things that trip me up and make me want to crawl back into bed. or down an alcoholic beverage. or stare off and think of some girl i have or have not met yet. there is hope in my life. hope of better things to come. and they will come, no doubt.

i am going to begin applying to graduate schools soon. two types of programs. either student affairs or seminary. i want to move forward. i want to learn more and grow more. something new.

i am very tired as i write this. not because of my amount of sleep. just because life is heavy and i am carrying the burden. pray for me if you will.