acts.1.eight

(this is the second installment of reaction to a book i’m reading called becoming a dad. each chapter asks a question that i will reflect on here).

i am not sure that a comparison between she and i is the right beginning. perhaps. i should first address. am i happy? period. i am happy that i am having a son. i am happy that his name shall be gunnar. but much like the previous chapter. i am not happy with the circumstances. i am not happy with my relationship with her. i am worried of our ability to provide (a) stable environment(s) for this child. i am worried of how we will raise him. to do better. than we have done ourselves. so am i happy? no. i am worried.

i am not sure how happy she is. i think she is more excited than i am. but excitement does not necessarily mean happiness. i think she has as many, or more, worries than i. i think that she is as concerned, or more, with the quality of our relationship. i think she is more optimistic. i believe i am more realistic (pessimistic?). our concerns often look different. or come from different places. but we are different people. coming from different. places. not together. not independent. and we cope. but not in the same way (or so i hope).

am i as happy as she is? i think i would say no. but does it matter. must i be happy? must i want to be a father? must i get excited? is it not most important. for me to be committed. is it not most important. for me to love. when the fuzzy feelings are not there.

God of Peace. i want you.

i am not in a very good place these days. i am crumbling. i am using vices to cope. i am falling. i do not sleep much. i am very tired. all the time.

choose this day
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD. – joshua to the israelites.

thursday night i was walking home from a pro-choice benefit show at a nearby bar (that’s a whole other story in itself) and i thought about the above statement from the book of joshua. i hope it is something i will continue to be reminded of each day. choose this day whom i will serve. i get so frustrated sometimes with christianity and christians. but whom do i serve? do i serve christians or christ? do i serve the politics of conservatives (or liberals for that matter) or do i serve christ? do i serve myself or christ? i want the answer to be christ.

i do not exist, only YOU exist
i am really lonley these days. this is not an indictment of my friends. they are amazing. but i am lacking something. i think it is called intimacy.

i told stan g last week that i have no idea how to relate to jesus. i do no understand the concept of it right now. sometimes god, jesus, the holy spirit… they seem more like ideas than reality. i just want to be close to something or someone. i am not. close. to anything.

i am a lost child without a father.

on the fatherhood front… as i mentioned previously. i will be having a son. now. this son. of mine. has his name. gunnar felix. you feel me?

save for me. the pleasantries
i have been thinking about love lately and what a bunch of bs that word/concept can be. and yet a word/concept that i, as well as many others, crave. my thoughts are often sent towords wondering what the hell it is. or means. or looks like. especially. when lived out in the ‘christian’ context. and of course there are so many different kinds of love. i love poetry. and a nice glass of scotch. and i love my mother and sister and brother. and i love G-d. and i want to love a woman.

for the most part i think about the last. i want to love a woman. and i want to be loved by a woman. lately. i’ve been told that love is something you chose. not just a feeling. and i believe it. if i am relying upon my feelings to tell me that i love or am loved. i will have more love partners than i know what to do with. feelings come and go. and while in one moment i may feel love for a woman. will i still when she gets sick in the middle of the night and wants to kiss me goodmourning with stale vomit breath? or when she says that thing that cuts me deep (ie – ‘you’re just like your father’). when reality sets in and the butterflies in your stomach are rotten. and your heart beats less tribal and more granfather clock. and her skin stretches and sags. and when she doesn’t want to get busy like she used to…

then you make the choice. you chose to honor the vow you took. i choose to honor the vow i will take. you know the one. richer for poorer, better for worse, sickness and health. till. death. parts. us. then you make the choice. then i will make the choice. to love.

because my boy JC loved with His lifestyle. he cared for the dirty and the poor and the sick and the socially disgraced. and she will be all of those (and so will i) at some point(s) along the way. then you will choose. to honor those vows. even when you don’t feel love for them or from them. cause the feelings will go. and then they will come. and then they will go.

what will i do? i hope i will not go. then come. then go. i want to stay. i will chose to stay. i will stay.

i saw pictures of my unborn son yesterday. you heard correct. it’s a boy.

i just started reading a book called becoming a dad. the concept is that it tackles the difficult questions i may be asking myself as a future father. i figure as i have a chance i will reflect on each of the questions.

no. 1: do i want to be a father?
my gut reaction is to say no. straight up, no. but if i stop to think about it, i would have to say not right now. not under these circumstances. of course i want to be a dad. for many reasons. my relationship with my own dad (or lack of) has always been a motivator for wanting to be a dad. i want to redeem my lineage. i do not want the next generations to experience the same brokenness that my generation, or my father’s generation, experienced. i want subsequent generations in my family to know the beauty of father-child relationships. i could go on…

this is reality. in march. i will be a father. whether i want to be one or not seems to be moot. i will be one. i want to as ready as possible and let the want come with time. i am a father. i have a son. the only certainty right now: i am not ready.

currently reading: becoming a dad by stephen james and david thomas
currently playing: redeemer by norma jean

i would venture to say that there have been vast changes in my life over the past 5 months and that the majority of them came from left field. i never would have imagined that i would be sitting where i am, doing what i’m doing, right now, or ever. i did not choose to be here, but rather it was the consequences of previous choices that brought me the need to be here. nothing is stable, nothing is secure, nothing was anticipated.

tomorrow i will see for the first time. ultrasound images of my unborn child. i want to be. excited. a good father. responsible. i’m not sure i’m any of these things.

trust in the lord with all your heart.
the lord works all things together for the good of those that love him.
children are a blessing.
he has a plan for you.
redemption.

what comes next? where do i go from here?
i am no longer in control.